Film's Greatest Mustaches
Happy Movember!
It’s officially that special time of year when men rock that sweet upper lip hair, to the best of their ability, in order to promote men’s health awareness. Now, we here at The Film Rewind are certainly not the manliest, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I love to look at a mustache and think to myself, “That sure must smell like food.”
Film history has seen some truly great mustaches, and I feel obliged to give them their due today. So comb your face, wax your ‘stache, and, if you have one, check your prostate at the door (special thanks to our in-saloon proctologist). Here are some of the greatest mustaches that have ever blessed the silver screen.
The Bandit (The Great Train Robbery, 1909 dir. Edwin S. Porter)
Yes, the storied tradition of mustachioed glory goes back as far as the early days of film, when an outlaw bandit looked us all square in the eye, said “What you say about my ‘stache?” and shot us. With that beautiful brunette broomstick needle wonder under his nose, we just had to forgive him.
The Tramp (Charlie Chaplin films, 1914-1936)
Talk about the vindication of a mustache! Sure, there is good and bad in all ‘staches, but the Tramp sure had guts sticking with this style for as long as he did. Not to be confused with the dictatorial evil twin mustache, the Tramp’s ‘stache overflows with kindness, generosity, and innocence.
Groucho Marx (The Marx Brothers films)
Groucho should serve as an inspiration to us all. We should, all of us, aspire to the acquisition of our own mustaches. If all else fails, we can just paint one onto our faces and make it iconic anyway. Pass the greasepaint!
Inigo Montoya (The Princess Bride, 1987 dir. Rob Reiner)
Clearly, Inigo sprouted this lovely face caterpillar on the day of his father’s death, and carefully nurtured it through his own thirst for revenge.
Peter Mitchell (Three Men and a Baby, 1987 dir. Leonard Nimoy)
Sometimes you look at man with a ‘stache and think, “Wow. That ‘stache is soooo macho. There’s no way the soul that carries that moustache can have a nurturing bone in his body. Because of all that testosterone.” Luckily, Tom Selleck rids us of that Neanderthal logic by putting his face hair to good use in raising a baby, even with the added challenge of having to do it with the likes of Steve Gutenberg!
Captain Hook (Hook, 1991 dir. Steven Spielberg)
One cannot gaze upon the good captain’s angelic face without appreciating the artistry of his beautiful mustache. Part Salvador Dali, part Hot Wheels track, this is one of the finest, shiniest mustaches both Earth and Neverland hath ever beheld.
Cogsworth (Beauty and the Beast, 1991 dir. Kirk Wise, Gary Trousdale)
You’ve got to appreciate the ingenuity of this one. The mustache was such an essential character of Cogsworth’s soul that the curse of the enchantress simply had to allow him his perfectly sleek facial hair in the form of clock hands. Talk about a facial tick!
The Stranger (The Big Lebowski, 1998 dir. Joel and Ethan Cohen)
Sam Elliott is, quite simply, the ultimate mustache. Yes, he is a person. But more importantly he is a mustache. This list would simply be a lie if it didn’t mention The Stranger’s colossal, possibly sentient, mess o’ face hair, complete with beautiful ‘mus-tassels’ on the side.
The Lorax (The Lorax, 2012 dir. Chris Renaud, Kyle Balda)
Just because a movie’s bad doesn’t mean it doesn’t give us a great ‘stache. This massive blonde miracle looks soft enough to sleep on. Seriously, though. Terrible movie. Don’t even watch it, just Google the mustache.
Alas! There are so many mustaches, so little time. There are hundreds of other worthy candidates to initiate into this pantheon of mustachehood, so please submit your favorite film mustache in the comments below. And, seriously, get your prostate checked.
Copyright © 2019 Bailey Lizotte
