Jun 13

Jun 13 A Definitive Ranking of Mary-Kate and Ashley's Fourteen Films by a Self-Proclaimed Expert

No one knows everything, but some people are absolute experts about one thing. There is only one topic about which I am almost entirely sure that I know everything there is to know. That topic is Olsen Twins' acting career with ABC and Dualstar (their production company). Every line in Full House, every lyric to all of their songs, and (most importantly), how to tell them apart... it's all here in this brain. It's an odd superpower that I possess, but it is mine. In celebration of the Olsens’ 34th birthday today, June 13th, I would like to ease your mind and settle once and for all the best and worst of Mary-Kate and Ashley's filmography. From worst to best, here are their films ranked.

Mary-Kate and Ashley’s 13th Birthday Bash, a 13-hour Olsen twin marathon on Fox Family, 1999. Such marathons on the channel inspired my own personal Mary-Kate and Ashley marathons every year. — *Mary-Kate and Ashley’s 13th Birthday Bash*, a 13-hour Olsen twin marathon on Fox Family, 1999. Such marathons on the channel inspired my own personal Mary-Kate and Ashley marathons every year.

14. When in Rome (2002, dir. Steve Purcell) - This is the worst of the worst. The film is dull and forgettable, and contains an unbelievable amount of distracting dubbing. The story is flimsy as heck, and the Olsens put minimal effort into their performances. This is a watch that even superfans such as me will struggle to sit through.

13. Holiday in the Sun (2001, dir. Steve Purcell) - Holiday in the Sun is widely considered a fan-favorite in the Mary-Kate and Ashley oeuvre. Still, if you take a close look at it, the entire film is the equivalent of watching vacation photos. Holiday in the Sun is essentially a shameless advertisement for the Resort in the Bahamas, as characters continuously exclaim things like, "What beautiful rooms!," "What a fun water slide!," and "Look how much fun we're having here!"

12. Getting There (2002, dir. Steve Purcell) - Are you seeing a pattern here? Yep, the three worst Mary-Kate and Ashley films are all directed by the same guy. The plot of the film - a first road trip gone wrong - is a fun premise with many possibilities. Still, the characters (particularly the goofy 'bro-y' teenage boys) are insufferably stupid to the point that it ruins the entire film.

11. Billboard Dad (1998, dir. Alan Metter) - This was the direct-to-video debut of the twins' Dualstar company, and it set the tone for all of their direct-to-video releases that followed. It's another film that Olsen fans love. Still, some story and directional choices are a bit bizarre, and character motivations have a tendency to be nonsensical as well. Still, it's a cute, fun, entertaining story, despite its flaws.

10. How the West Was Fun (1994, dir. Stuart Margolin) - How the West Was Fun is not the most exciting movie in the Olsen twins' filmography. In fact, despite it being a western-themed comedy, it's probably one of the more pleasantly quiet, calmly directed films of their careers. Nevertheless, the setting of the great outdoors, runaway horses, and Martin Mull bring something different and fun to their filmography.

9. Our Lips Are Sealed (2000, dir. Craig Shapiro) - This film was the first of three collaborations between the Olsen twins and director Craig Shapiro. While he didn't direct the best of all of the Olsens’ movies, he was undoubtedly the best of the directors of their direct-to-video films. Our Lips Are Sealed was my favorite of their movies when I was a kid. I loved the Australian setting and the '60s beach movie vibe. I was especially fond of their new fourth-wall-breaking style of comedy that would become a consistent element of the Olsens' work. The movie hasn't gone down in my estimation as an adult. I've just come to appreciate other Mary-Kate and Ashley movies a bit more.

8. Double Double Toil and Trouble (1993, dir. Stuart Margolin) - This second film released by the Olsen twins, and it is a Halloween staple for me. The twins are cute as ever, and the Halloween atmosphere is festive enough to overlook issues with the plot and characters, but what really makes this movie is not the twins, but Cloris Leachman as the evil witch Agatha. Her performance is so hammy and over-the-top that it can't fail to make me smile every time.

7. Winning London (2001, dir. Craig Shapiro) - It's hard to believe that this movie was made only a year after Our Lips Are Sealed. I remember when I first saw it and being astounded by how different they looked after one year. The hairstyles and fashion in this movie solidified the Mary-Kate and Ashley aesthetic for the rest of their film career with Dualstar. The movie is a fun, fast-paced run around London, also starring the 100% English and definitely not Australian Jesse Spencer (of House, M.D.). If you love British landmarks, boppin' music, and prime Olsen twins, this is the movie for you.

6. Switching Goals (1999, dir. David Steinberg) - This is technically Mary-Kate and Ashley's last made-for-TV film, having been released on The Wonderful World of Disney on ABC. The twins are playing the same characters from their tragically underrated TV series Two of a Kind, with Mary-Kate being the 'sporty girl' and Ashley, the 'girly girl.' The girls switch places about a billion times in this movie, so if that trope is your jam (as it is for me), you'll find no absence of entertainment here.

5. Passport to Paris (1999, dir. Alan Metter) - For many, this is the best Mary-Kate and Ashley movie of all time. Obviously, I don't think it's the best, but it does hold a special place in my heart. This movie not only kicked off the twins' series of travel movies, which they would capitalize on for the rest of their film career, but it is also adorably goofy, endlessly quotable, and set the standard for pre-teenagehood levels of independence and coolness. "Attitude, always."

4. The Challenge (2003, dir. Craig Shapiro) - The Challenge was the final direct-to-video release for the Olsens. If you weren't aware of that going in, there's a sentimental montage informing you of that fact at the end of the film. Even though Steve Purcell had really dropped the ball on the previous three, this is the best of the direct-to-video series. The premise is that the twins are estranged sisters unwittingly teamed together on a Survivor-esque reality show set in Mexico. And really, that's just interesting enough to carry the film all the way to third place. It was a nice change of pace after years of seeing the twins play mostly the same character, for them to diverge in personalities for the first time in years. It's a fun, funny, sweet movie that was a significant redemption for Dualstar.

3. To Grandmother's House We Go (1992, dir. Jeff Franklin) - Did somebody say Christmas? This is another staple that I happily return to every holiday season. This was the girls' first film, and the first time (aside from the occasional Full House episode) that they were acting against each other. The film is a fun comedy about the twins trying to get to their grandmother's house for Christmas. The additions of Rhea Pearlman and Jerry Van Dyke as the 'villains' of the film are the icing on top of the Christmas cookie. Much like Cloris Leachman, these two take the corny lines they are given and have fun with them. It's an underappreciated film compared to other Olsen films, but I think it's one of the best.

2. New York Minute (2004, dir. Dennie Gordon) - New York Minute was the second and final theatrical release from the Olsen twins, and the nail in the coffin for Dualstar. Yes, it is a 'bad' movie. But, come one, they're all 'bad' movies. What I love about New York Minute is that the twins seemed to actually care about what they were doing. There's actual effort in their character work, and it at least looked like they were having fun during the film’s production. Mary-Kate's wild, rebellious Roxy is perhaps the best of any of the twins' characters. Watching her perform against Ashley's straight-laced Jane is plain fun. The film's fast-paced energy is exciting, as the twins run rampant through New York City in one day, leaving chaos in their wake. It may have been their last movie, but in terms of the twins' performances, it's one of their best.

1. It Takes Two (1995, dir. Andy Tennant) - It Takes Two was the twins' theatrical debut, co-starring Kirstie Alley and Steve Guttenberg, a man that I would think was Kermit the Frog if not for the fact that he's so dull. The movie is The Prince and the Pauper (with the twins playing "identical strangers'') meets The Parent Trap, and the first (and best) iteration of the 'switching-places' trope for the twins. The settings alternate between a lavish summer house and the coolest-looking summer camp of all time (the bus is even rainbow-colored!). And if you think that Passport to Paris is quotable, just you wait! It's summery, fun, and the best of Mary-Kate and Ashley (when it comes to movies, that is...).

What are your favorite Mary-Kate and Ashley films? How does this ranking compare to your own? Let me know in the comments below, and a happy birthday to Ashley and Mary-Kate!